


Egg Puns

by Rejoyce (OliveYou)



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Gen, Joker being the only sane person, Kaumi and the finger of doom, SO MANY EGG PUNS, don't takes this seriously, egg puns, eggstravagant soup, isn'tmyfursofluffy, my sister is a genius, the sillest thing ever known to man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-21
Updated: 2016-10-24
Packaged: 2018-08-16 10:53:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 1,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8099389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OliveYou/pseuds/Rejoyce
Summary: The tale of Flora, Felicia, Joker, and a whole lot of other characters, plus a ton of egg puns. Not meant to be taken seriously. Warning: purposely bad spelling (though readable) and the beautiful magic of italics.





	1. Eggactly

**Author's Note:**

> A side project of my sister. You da real bae.

“Joker is so kewl!” Sighed Felicia mooningly.

“U mean cul.” Flora reply, who was bored of Felicia _mooning_ over Joker. “Anyways, hoo calls a guy ‘Joker’? It sound like that eevil dude from Star Wars- No, Batman.”

Felicia looked at her reproachfully. “Kewl sound _kewler_ than cul!” She pouted. “Beside, the name Joker suit him.”

“Nu it doesn’t.” Flora argued.

“Yus it does!” Felicia argued back. “He’s good at killing people, like The Joker!”

“Hmm, wells you got me there.” Flora finally admit.

“ _Eggactly_!” Felicia called out triumphantly.

-Le Joker enters the room-

“Excuse me, but are you two going to help me with breakfast?” Joker asked.

Felicia flushed deep red. “R-right!” She squeak. “I’m coming!”

Flora looked up. “R we making _eggs_? Because U missed an _egg_ pun. _Eggcuse_ me.”

“Noice 1, Flora!” Felicia yelped like a little puppy.

Joker stared at both of them.

“…”

“…”

“…”

A weird-ish kinda silence entered the room. Ohwaitno, that Kamui.

“Hoi Jokeh!”

Joker bowed formally-like. “Lady Kamui. May I ask why you, and these two, are talking strangely?”

“Wat U meen?” All 3 ask.

And thus this story end ‘cause Jokeh go out of mind. *nods*


	2. Eggsit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinata sings. Oboro gives him a nickname.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's like five different song references in this chapter I swear

“RITE HERE, RITE NOW, WE CAN MAKE A CHANGE! RITE HERE, RITE NOW, THERE’S NU TIME TO WASTE! RITE HERE, RITE NOW, LET’S DO IT TODAY! ‘CAUSE THERE’S NU TIME TO WAIT FOR TOMORROW!” Hinata bellowed.

“Hinata, this is exactly teh-“ Oboro start, but interrupted by Flora, who yelled;

“ _Eggactly_!” before Joker wearily pulled her off.

Oboro shrugged, then Begin Again. “Hinata, this is exactly the type of thing I is despising.”

“Hoo cares.” Hinata said. “THIS AIN’T NU ORDINARY, THIS AIN’T NU ORDINARY LUH!”

“Hinata, STAHP, or I’ll call U _Hinny_!” Oboro yell.

Hinata stahp quick-like. “H-hinny…?!”

“Yus, Hinny.” Say Oboro firm.

Hinny cri, but Oboro pat him on bak. “Nu worry, I still luh U.”

“I knows dat, but TacoMeat might call me Hinny!” Hinny cri out.

“O. I geet it now. I sowwy, Hinata.”

-TacoMeat enter scene wif _dramticness_ -

“U-uh hoi TacoMeat.” Say Oboro nervously. Then she whisper to Hinny, “Exit _quick-like_!” Hinny make run for it while Flora yells out window.

“ _Eggsit_!”

TacoMeat’s eyes narrow on Hinny. “Hinny, eh?” TacoMeat stroke fake beard. “I lieke it. I liekes it a lots.”

Hinny run, Hinny run vewy fast. He onwy get away ‘cause Elise tackle TacoMeat happily.

Now end, while Jokeh cri in kitchen wif _egg_ -punny Flora makin’ _eggy_ puns. And _eggs_.


	3. Eggscept

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaze and Rinkah go on a "date".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Joker is so weird

Kamui roam around scarily, hoping to find victums. “U!” She cried triumphant, pointing at Rinkah.

“Wadda U want?” Ask Rinkah grumpy.

“U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Kamui finger wiggle a bit.

“Wat about meh?” Rinkah still grumpy.

“U……. Haw haw haw!!!!!” Kamui cackle.

Rinkah give up trying and go eet _sweet_ things. They R vewy yummy U now.

“Com wif me.” Say Kamui serious-like.

So Rinkah follow annoyingly.

Kaumi go all the way to Kaze. Kaze get up and look at Kamui expectantly. “Expect everyting.” He says to Rinkah.

“ _Eggspect_!” Flora say and nods while walkin’ by.

Kamui ignore all peeps and say confidently. “U 2 R _made_ 4 each-oder. Go to da market and go on a date while U buy stuff.”

Kaze shrug, he didn’t care. “Okays. Comes Rinkah.”

Rinkah look like she gonna blow. That will bee _messie_. “Dun’t I geet a say in dis!!!???”

“Nu.” Say Kamui.

Kaze shrug and pull off Rinkah, to market.

-Screemin’ fangurls eenter scene screemin’-

Rinkah glare scary-like at fan gurls wantin’ to hug Kaze.

“Kazers!” Squeeks 1 gurl. “Come over here!” Call another. “WUV ME!” Crys a weird one.

Somehows Kaze is used to weirdoness, and he ignore it. What a hard treep to de market.

Rinkah conk Kaze upside le head when they geet home. “U R annoyin’ bruh.”

Kaze live with hard lifee. He deliver da vegees to Joker. “Heere U goes, Jokeh. I hope it es useful-like.”

“Er, thank you, Kaze.” After Kaze leave, Joker shake his head like a pro.

The End. Why is Jokeh the only 1 hoo dun’t _talk_ rite?


	4. Eggstravagant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mozume makes some soup.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Janiforme for providing us with plenty of eggcelent puns.

“My liefe is like, hardddddd!” Cri Mozume.

“Mine is _hardeh_.” Say Ryoma all solem-like.

“O! Like, sowwy Mr. Prince!” Cri Mozume again.

“It fine. Can I helps U?” Ryoma say in his kindly voice.

“Eep nu. I is like, fine. Can I helps U?” Mozume says back.

“I M fine, just hungy.” Nods Ryoma.

“O! I can makes soup. It isn’t like, extravagant, or anyting-“ Mozume gets cut off by Flora yelling;

“ _Eggstravagant_!” then she high five Felicia.

Ryoma nod cool-like. “I’d lieke dat. Tank U.”

“Nu prob!” Mozume say.

-Ryoma eat non- _eggstravagant_ soup-

“GATHP! Tis is so amazin’! I’m luhing it!” Ryoma gasp. At gathp, Saizo and Kagero appear quikly and ninja-y. They bow all cool-like.

“U gasped sire.” Another bow.” “U need something?” They ask.

“Nu, but U need 2 taste dis amaze soup.” Say Ryoma.

Mozume blush hardy. “U like, flatter me sir.”

“NU, DIS AMAZE!” Cri Ryoma. Scilence fall wif stament.

“Wat.” Say Flora, tastin’ soup. “Dis delish. It’s _eggstraordinary_.” She giggle.

The End. Poor ol’ Jokeh mights go out of hiss mind.


	5. Eggcruciating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hana laughs a little too hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "totes adorbs"

While eatin’ breakfast, Subaaaaki waz tellin’ Hana a joke.

  
“HHHAaaaaiiii, I’m da wide mouth frog.” Say Subaaaaaki.

  
Hana start laughin’. Hana start laughin’ reel hard. Maybe a wide mouth frog-Subaaaaki idint all dat hard 2 imagine.

  
“O nu!” Cri Subaaaaki. “Dun’t laughs! When milk come out of yo nose, it’ll hurt reel hard.”

  
Hana ignore him as usaual, den da milk come out of noze. “OW!” Cri Hana, though she still laugh. “The excruciating paiiiiiinnn!”

  
“ _Eggcruciating_!” Say Flora while passing out more biscuits.

  
“R U okay?” Say Sakura in a totes adorbs way.

  
“I M okays.” Giggle Hana. “Be da wide mouth frog again Subaaaaki.”

  
But Subaaaki all perfect-like again. “I waz tellin’ U. I told U so.” He say smarty pants-y.

  
Hana make face. “EUH” She say.

  
Sakura seem satisfied dat Hana okay, and make little smile. Leo see, choke on biscuit, and fall backwards out of chair. Poor guy. Sometime adorb-ness take da best of us down.

  
“Would anyone like some eggs?” Asks Joker, formally.

  
“Me, dude. I am in great needs”. Say Hana, wiping her burnin’ noze.

  
Joker give her eggs, den say, “Would anyone like some grammar lessons?”

  
“Ur da one dat need dem Jokeh.” Say Subaki. Ouch.

  
The End. Poor Joker just can’t grammar. *Pats back*


	6. Eggspert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pieri has an idea that *gasp* doesn't involve killing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flora is fabu

“Kamui ship 2 much.” Say Marx conversional.

“Ooh!” Cri Peiri. “Do we kill her then?”

“Nu.” Marx say. “She still gud person.”

“Oh.” Peiri look very disappointed. “Then we need 2 geet her backs somehows. Maybee set her up wif Cyrus.”

Marx stroke chin. “Hmm yus. Dat very gud idea.”

-Cyrus appear suddenly-

“Did U call mee?” He say. “Sumthin’ about Kamui?”

“Yus. Goes on a date wif her.” Peri says. Den she look at Marx. “U see, I is an expert at dis.”

Flora appear out of _thick_ air. Maybee she teleport. “U miss _egg_ pun.” She say, very serious. “It _eggspert_.”

“Oh, sowwy.” Say Peiri.

Marx look at bof of dem. “Wat is dis madness.” Say he.

“ _Eggselent_ stuff.” Flora declare, den disappear again.

Poor Cyrus look all confused an’ stuff, so Marx start explainin’.

“Kamui ship 2 much.” He say. “So we gonna set her up, and U are da best.”

“She like U, U nu.” Nodded Peiri.

“…” Cyrus say all awesome-like. “Wat.”

“Or U can just ask her.” Say Marx. “I won’t mind dat. U hav my blessing.”

Cyrus stare. “Ur kiddin’”

“Nope.” Say Peiri.

Suddenly all of dem realize dat Joker there.

Joker look at dem. “Why are you setting Lady Kamui up?”

Cyrus realize danger, and say quick-like, “Nu, I’m just asking her out we’ve nu problemsdon’tkillme.”

Joker all confused now. “…” Then he leave

“Oh boys.” Say Cyrus. “Nows I hav to ask her.”

Le End. Joker srsy need grammar lessons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the joke fic you never knew you needed


	7. Eggsotic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eggsotic bugs. Yup.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure what to say about this one actually  
> enjoy~

“I hungy” Flannel say all dramatic-like while drippin’ rain.

“U always hungy.” Say Camilla, shakin’ head. 

“AM NOT.” Say Flannel. “I just took a walk, so now I is hungy.”

“Dat waz a walk!?” Camilla exclaim. “U were gone for, like, HOURS. In. Da. RAIN.” Flannel flatten himself against flat-like wall. “I gots lost, it not my fault!”

“Oh U poor baby!” Coon Camilla. “Lost in da rain… Come oveh here an I’ll brush out yo wet fur…”

Flannel shake head, splishin’ Camilla wif wet stuff called waterrrr. “My fur is kewl when it all messy. It look _rugged_.” He nod.

Camilla purse lips like a boss, and fold arms. She scary, everyone RUN. “Nu. I _will_ be brushin’ dat fur.”

Flannel shrink under gaze. “Aww, do we h-have to? We could… Lookie at bugs! Dey R e-exotic!”

Flora now glare at him 2. “Nu one liekes to do _egg_ puns! It. Is. _Eggsotic_!!!!!!!!!!”

Flannel sweat nervous-like WAITNO dat just some waterrrrr.

Camilla sigh. “Bugs are gross, I WILL BRUSH DAT FUR” Flannel _literally_ turned his tail and ran. “HELP!” He cri. “HELP EVIL WOMAN TRY TO BRUSH MEH FUR!”

Camilla chase him, maybee we should leave dem alone. Poor Joker gots wet people run thru kitchen. Hope dey dun’t ruin da cake.

THE END *In which Joker cries silently on counter*


	8. Eggstremely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Odin actually talks normally... well, sort of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "she cluck like a disapprove chicken"

Corrin brush Aqua hair out. “I is luvin’ yo hair.”

Aqua blush. Den she sigh all romancy. “ _Corrin._ ” She say like mad, but he no she pleased.

Corrin grin at her. “I is luvin’ U.”

Now Aqua really blush. “C-Corrin!” She bite fingernails. “D-don’t talk stupid!”

Corrin shake head. “I not talk stupid. U no dat. U R extremely bootiful, and extremely wonderfru, and extremely everyting else. It take 2 long 2 say, but I wil if U want.”

Flora come buy. “ _Eggstremely, eggstremely, eggstremely.”_ She cluck like disapprove chicken.

Aqua do the head shake. “Corrin U be in silly.”

“NU I NOT.” Corrin cross arms like al kewl n’ stuff. “I care wouldn’t if person tease me ‘bout luvin’ U, cause I doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.” The last part he sing like song.

Flora tippy toes. Betteh leave dem alones.

Nyx have different idea. Dis betteh den any romancy book, dat for sure. “Wowsy.” She sigh. “Dis is so bootiful. Da romance is so romancy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Odin shrug. “They appear to not make my heart go a-flutter, but I shall stay if milady wishes it.” He bow cool-like. “If your burning passion makes your soul become inflamed, perhaps you should jump into a river.”

Nyx just sigh like a sigh-er. “U wil shush, Odeen.” Den she slide _down to de ground_.

Odeen stare.

Nyx look back at Odeen. “Also, U talk weird. I is meaning, yo grammar is wrongs.”

Odeen stare some mores. “Your fabulous statement confuses me, milady.”

Nyx shrug; da people in front of her R vewy interesting.

-Le fab end of fabness- (Joker find out dat Odin talk ‘normal’ He don’t think it matteh.)


End file.
